Thursday, July 2, 2015

RUMOR: August 'Bernie Sanders Night At Fenway'?

As the Red Sox season goes down the tubes, the NOG (AKA, "New Ownership Group") may be looking to spark renewed interest in going to Fenway—while at the same time playing into their core political beliefs. Completely unconfirmed reports point to an August "Meet Bernie Sanders Night At Fenway". Reportedly, the first 5,000 fans going through the turnstiles will get a Bernie Bobblehead along with an autographed copy of the candidate's "Little Red Book" of quotations. In keeping with the political philosophies of both the owners and Sanders, all concession food will be free—and anyone under 18 who happens to celebrate a birthday that night, will be given a tuition-free college education. It's also rumored that Raul Castro will be flown in to throw out the first pitch.

Monday, June 8, 2015

REPORT: Sox Sign Ferocious Slugger To Big Deal

Numerous un-confirmed reports suggest that the Red Sox have signed Anthony T. Tiger—an OF—to a multi-year pact. Tiger is 6-8, 475 pounds and is said to be a great clubhouse presence. Known for his encouragement of fellow teammates ("You're Grrrrreat!"), Tiger is expected to be assigned to Single A Lowell. Reportedly, Boston was in a "tug-of-war" with Detroit to sign the International Free Agent, but ultimately he had a preference for playing at Fenway. Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski could not be reached for comment. Before hitting the free-agent market, Tiger played for five seasons in the Japanese Professional Baseball League for Hanshin.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Rumor: NOG Planning Big Ceremony For Zobrist

(Getty Images)
Fans should get to Fenway Park early tonight! Completely unreliable sources have informed Boston Dust Mites that the Red Sox will hold an on-field pre-game ceremony to honor the final 2014 appearance at Fenway of Tampa super-utility man Ben Zobrist. Details are sketchy, but we do know there will be a video tribute on the big screen—showing Zobrist in all nine positions on the diamond in his illustrious career. 'Amazing Grace' will be played by the Methuen Chapter of The Sons Of Glasgow during the video rendition. Event guru Dr. Charles "The Mad Dentist" Steinberg is said to be planning a few more touching tributes—including the appearance of 73-year old Red Sox "Super Sub" John Kennedy. And, as a special momento, Zobrist will be awarded a gift certificate from his local "utility", Tampa Electric. It should be a thrilling night.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Pineda May Ink Endorsement Deal With Grandpa's

Completely unreliable sources have told Boston Dust Mites that Yankee pitcher Michael Pineda may be close to signing an endorsement deal with Grandpa's Wonder Pine Tar Soap. Terms of the deal are not yet known, but the sources indicate it will likely be at least three figures.

An internal source—who requested anonymity since they are not authorized to speak with the media—said that Pineda's two pine-tar incidents had significantly raised the visibility of their product. The tentative marketing slogan would be, "Pine-It With Pineda!". Boston Dust Mites will provide further details once they become available. George Brett could not be reached for comment on this article.