Friday, February 14, 2014

NOG Considers Shrouding Fenway In Saran Wrap™

Given the coldest, bleakest, snowiest winter in memory, the New Ownership Group (NOG) may be taking some action to insure that fans are comfortable at America's Most Cramped Ballpark. Totally unconfirmed rumors (from unreliable sources) indicate that plans are afoot to enclose Fenway Park in a humongous, retractable shroud of Saran Wrap™. Word is that the team is in negotiations with SC Johnson Brands—makers of Saran Wrap™—to encase the 102-year old ballpark with 1.2 million square feet of the vinylidene chloride wrap as insulation from rain, cold and (potentially) snow. As Boston-area fans emerge from a horrific winter of record snow and cold, they will surely be pleased with the magnanimous efforts of John Henry et al. to keep them reasonably warm in their cramped seats.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

REPORT: Alien Contact Contains Sox Message

Boston Dust Mites has received an unconfirmed report that the first ever alien contact has included a Red Sox-related message. The message was received on April 2, 2013 and transmitted to the NORAD base inside Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado. While government cryptographers were at first unable to decipher the message, a young Red Sox fan living near Colorado Springs discovered the key. As the photo shows, the alien life forms are urging further playing time for Jackie Bradley, Jr. We could not agree more, ET!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Low-Budget Truck Day For Cost-Conscious Sox

On The Way, On The Cheap!
A completely unreliable source has informed Boston Dust Mites that the Red Sox—ever mindful of the luxury tax threshold—have gone on the cheap for this year's Truck Day. Instead of the large, imposing moving van of years past, the ownership group has decided to just pack a few essentials into a Thrifty-Rent-A-Car panel truck (see picture). Players on the 40-man roster or those who have a Spring Training invitation will need to bring their own stuff. Reportedly, some of the veteran players were upset with the new plan, but they were quickly mollified by new iPad minis for each of their family members.

Friday, January 11, 2013

REPORT: Dick Gernert May Be Sox Option At First

Dick Gernert
A completely unreliable source has reported to Boston Dust Mites that 84-year old former Red Sox first baseman Dick Gernert may be in the mix for a 2013 job. Gernert played eight years for Boston (1952-1959), clouting 101 home runs over that span. In today's metrics, he also compiled a not-too-shabby .788 OPS for the Carmine Hose. His defense, however, was  pretty shabby—but frankly might be superior to their only other current option, 28-year old Mauro Gomez (unless an accommodation is reached with Mike Napoli). In a related story, Bill Buckner has reportedly already refused an invite to Spring Training.