Boston Paper Closes?

NOG To Offer Personal Obstruction Devices

BDM has learned that the New Ownership Group (NOG) of the Red Sox is planning to distribute self-contained pole obstructions for any fan who wishes one during the 2009 season. This new policy comes in the wake of many complaints by the few ticket-holders who have a completely unobstructed view of the entire ball-park. Many of these fans report being "cheated" out of the true Fenway Park experience—i.e., obstructed views, narrow cramped seats and lack of simple 21st century amenities like cup-holders.

A completely un-reliable source reported to Boston Dust Mites that the hand-held obstruction devices (dubbed "HOD" by the NOG) are designed to give only the seat-holder the bad view and not infringe on neighboring fans. Sox CEO Larry Lucchino reportedly nixed the idea of charging $7.50 for each HOD noting, "We held the line on ticket prices, we're not going to gouge our fans for the right to have a classic Fenway Park experience."

If the HOD Project goes well, the NOG has plans to offer "seat constrictors" for the few wide seats in the Park as well as Allen wrenches for luxury seat owners to take off their cup-holders to be more in tune with the "average fan" experience.

Monty Gears Up For Possible Sox Return

As the Red Sox scour the Universe for someone to put on the "tools of ignorance", one former player is chomping at the bit to contribute.

Boston Dust Mites has learned from a highly unreliable source that former Boston back-stop Bob "Crooked Number" Montgomery might be working out at a practice facility in Methuen, Massachusetts with an eye toward possibly returning to The Show.

In an exclusive and completely undocumented interview with Monty, our source claims that the only things blocking his return to the Carmine Hose are: his utter lack of conditioning and the fact that he was a marginal player at the peak of his career. Nevertheless, the Red Sox front office has reportedly sent out "feelers" to the ex-player in case their bid to re-sign Captain Jason Varitek fails. The team has set Saturday, January 31st as a deadline for coming to an agreement with Varitek.

Monty stated, "Hey, I would demand a lot less than the $10-12 million Tek is asking, and I'm a hell of a lot more fun on the road. Just ask Douggy Griffin or Juanny Beniquez." BDM will continue to follow this breaking non-story. Don't forget, as usual, we don't check our sources...and we like it!

Manny Tied To Global Warming

An exclusive Boston Dust Mite investigation has revealed that Red Sox left-fielder Manny Ramirez may be the principal cause of Global Warming. An undercover Dust Mite team visited Manny's Dominican Estate and found a 743 Megawatt coal-fired facility that is spewing hundreds of thousands of tons of harmful CO2 emissions into the atmosphere—more than the combined pollutants of Chad, Costa Rica and Myanmar.

What makes this revelation more troubling is that the coal plant does not produce any electricity for the energy-starved Dominican economy--in fact it runs without producing anything. Manny insists on this arrangement because he likes "all the cool smoke and stuff", according to an un-named BDM source who works for the $20 million star. While BDM has no definitive proof of this charge (other than hearsay), we, of course, have decided to go with the story. Hey, it's what we do best.

Dust Mite Exclusive: Nomar Stole The Ball!

Our crack Boston Dust Mites Investigative Team (actually the friend of a lady from Montana who e-mailed us with the story) has uncovered the truth about the missing 2007 World Series ball.

The close associate of a friend of the lady from Montana overheard a clerk at the Missoula Wal-Mart saying that former Red Sox scumbag Nomar Garciaparra was in possession of the historic sphere.

BDM has further learned that the wife of scumbag former Red Sox player Nomar Garciaparra planted the story about Jonathan Papelbon's dog eating the ball to cover up the REAL TRUTH. No corroboration was attempted on this story. Why should we need it? Everybody knows Nomar is a scumbag.

If you needed any further proof, here is an un-doctored photo of a cryptic message on Garciaparra's left wrist sweatband that clearly shows his boastful guilt.

In the tradition of Boston Dust Mite quality journalism, we will not give up on this story. We pledge to you, our loyal readers, that even if we have to keep making stuff up, we will demonstrate the demonic nature of Nomar and his culpability for all things that went wrong with the Red Sox before 2004!