Thursday, September 25, 2014

Rumor: NOG Planning Big Ceremony For Zobrist

(Getty Images)
Fans should get to Fenway Park early tonight! Completely unreliable sources have informed Boston Dust Mites that the Red Sox will hold an on-field pre-game ceremony to honor the final 2014 appearance at Fenway of Tampa super-utility man Ben Zobrist. Details are sketchy, but we do know there will be a video tribute on the big screen—showing Zobrist in all nine positions on the diamond in his illustrious career. 'Amazing Grace' will be played by the Methuen Chapter of The Sons Of Glasgow during the video rendition. Event guru Dr. Charles "The Mad Dentist" Steinberg is said to be planning a few more touching tributes—including the appearance of 73-year old Red Sox "Super Sub" John Kennedy. And, as a special momento, Zobrist will be awarded a gift certificate from his local "utility", Tampa Electric. It should be a thrilling night.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Pineda May Ink Endorsement Deal With Grandpa's

Completely unreliable sources have told Boston Dust Mites that Yankee pitcher Michael Pineda may be close to signing an endorsement deal with Grandpa's Wonder Pine Tar Soap. Terms of the deal are not yet known, but the sources indicate it will likely be at least three figures.

An internal source—who requested anonymity since they are not authorized to speak with the media—said that Pineda's two pine-tar incidents had significantly raised the visibility of their product. The tentative marketing slogan would be, "Pine-It With Pineda!". Boston Dust Mites will provide further details once they become available. George Brett could not be reached for comment on this article.

Friday, February 14, 2014

NOG Considers Shrouding Fenway In Saran Wrap™

Given the coldest, bleakest, snowiest winter in memory, the New Ownership Group (NOG) may be taking some action to insure that fans are comfortable at America's Most Cramped Ballpark. Totally unconfirmed rumors (from unreliable sources) indicate that plans are afoot to enclose Fenway Park in a humongous, retractable shroud of Saran Wrap™. Word is that the team is in negotiations with SC Johnson Brands—makers of Saran Wrap™—to encase the 102-year old ballpark with 1.2 million square feet of the vinylidene chloride wrap as insulation from rain, cold and (potentially) snow. As Boston-area fans emerge from a horrific winter of record snow and cold, they will surely be pleased with the magnanimous efforts of John Henry et al. to keep them reasonably warm in their cramped seats.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

REPORT: Alien Contact Contains Sox Message

Boston Dust Mites has received an unconfirmed report that the first ever alien contact has included a Red Sox-related message. The message was received on April 2, 2013 and transmitted to the NORAD base inside Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado. While government cryptographers were at first unable to decipher the message, a young Red Sox fan living near Colorado Springs discovered the key. As the photo shows, the alien life forms are urging further playing time for Jackie Bradley, Jr. We could not agree more, ET!