Low-Budget Truck Day For Cost-Conscious Sox

On The Way, On The Cheap!

A completely unreliable source has informed Boston Dust Mites that the Red Sox—ever mindful of the luxury tax threshold—have gone on the cheap for this year's Truck Day. Instead of the large, imposing moving van of years past, the ownership group has decided to just pack a few essentials into a Thrifty-Rent-A-Car panel truck (see picture). Players on the 40-man roster or those who have a Spring Training invitation will need to bring their own stuff. Reportedly, some of the veteran players were upset with the new plan, but they were quickly mollified by new iPad minis for each of their family members.

REPORT: Dick Gernert May Be Sox Option At First

Dick Gernert

A completely unreliable source has reported to Boston Dust Mites that 84-year old former Red Sox first baseman Dick Gernert may be in the mix for a 2013 job. Gernert played eight years for Boston (1952-1959), clouting 101 home runs over that span. In today's metrics, he also compiled a not-too-shabby .788 OPS for the Carmine Hose. His defense, however, was  pretty shabby—but frankly might be superior to their only other current option, 28-year old Mauro Gomez (unless an accommodation is reached with Mike Napoli). In a related story, Bill Buckner has reportedly already refused an invite to Spring Training.

Sox May Redo Popular Balloon Hunt For Contract

Completely unreliable sources have told Boston Dust Mites (a wholly-owned subsidiary of a big, irrelevant newspaper) that the Red Sox may be considering a reprise of their wildly successful "balloon hunt" from last April. You may remember that, on the verge of the 100th Anniversary Game at Fenway, the team distributed 100 green balloons around Boston with tickets to the historic match against their traditional rival New York Yankees. Fans stomped all over each other to grab and pop the balloons to see if the cherished ducats were inside. This year, the team may float a total of 117 (3X39) balloons some of which will contain this year's standard three-year, thirty-nine million dollar contract. Lucky fans who pop the right balloons will be signed to the multi-year pact—providing they are over thirty years of age and can only play a platoon role. Be on the lookout this Spring (maybe, because this source is pretty useless).

Red Sox Looking To Liverpool For OF Help?

A completely unreliable source has told Boston Dust Mites that the Red Sox Ownership Group—frustrated in their attempt to find another outfielder—have looked to one of their other teams as a possible solution. Unconfirmed reports suggest that members of the Liverpool soccer team have been working out with baseballs to serve as a 'last resort' alternative to a major league outfielder in 2013. Reportedly, Liverpool players have been upset by this new routine (see photo), where they are forced to kick around regulation MLB baseballs—which are significantly harder than your average soccer ball. One anonymous player stated:

"I mean, blimey, I nearly busted me big toe on the bloody thing. I don't think it's right, you know? Why should we suffer if they can't properly manage their baseball squad? Blimey."

The supposed plan is for one of the supplanted Liverpool players to "back-heel pass" baseballs hit to him in the outfield so a regular Red Sox player (who is allowed to use his hands) throws the ball in. Boston Dust Mites will keep you posted on this story.